Thursday, October 6, 2011

December 31,2011

Well its about that time....Dooms Day aka I can give my full attention to someone. I think thats were my tension has been coming from lately I know I made promises of saying I would date people and I know I made a big promise of taking a relationship serious to one person. I think the closer I get to that date it makes me realize I have really no more excuses and thats scaring the shit out me. 1st off I dont wanna live with a guy Im not ready for that type of step. I dont mind dating and the spend the night thing but living is "premanent" its like whats mine is yours and whats yours is no longer yours. with all the things thats been going on i dont even know if im compatible with men anymore. I used to think I knew men and what they wanted now I dont even know. I cant tell you the last time i actually talked on a phone to a guy and wanted to get to know him. like really know him. Im trying to focus on not so attractive guys that way i know what im feeling is real and not lust and good sex. Ah sex that word I knew it would pop up sooner or later. Sex isnt such a big deal anymore i mean it was when I was younger then bigger the longest all that jazz. But now i just care about hanging out one on one not me you a video game twitter, facebook or anything else. Just time!!!!!!!!! I think I'm realizing life is too short and the more time i spend with a person the more I can appreciate it. Reading going on trips being all cute and romantic like. Having other couples see us having fun and thinking HEY I WANT THAT....But its so hard to find a guy that has the similar taste as you do and is willing to try anything once maybe twice. Its not about money its about the experience that you get when you go. For me i wanna do everything go everywhere live life before i dont have a life of my own anymore. But i also know that i dont wanna wait 2 to 8 years with someone who doesnt want to move forward. after 2 years im out If you dont know me by now you never ever know me lol. I have been peeping several prospects but it wouldnt work out. the 1st one i dont even think he likes me as a person *insert sad face* The 2nd i wont after 6 years i cant 3rd I havent even asked for his number in class yet..Its gonna be hard to shake an image that i laid out but in my mind i didnt wanna turn people on that way. Like if you found me desireable and wanted to date me that probably would have lead to somewhere and my dreams of graduating college would've been put on the back burner...for once i wanna finish what i start..........Damn December 31, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011


*plays marvins room instrumental*
Havent fucked in 9 months
school and overworked
this blog is a mistake
Fatigued with no sleep
i know you got a BM
This is so pathetic
still havent told you everything

I cant even finish this bc its so much that I wanna put in this blog that I cant...I had him in my room last night and his BM wasnt even a topic...Why am I settling for the less when I know I can get better if I tried. He is right here in my face thats why and safe I dont have to try hard its easy. I hate easy thats why I want away from this...I want hard complicated and fun. We cant have fun bc he has to figure out how to support him her and their new bundle of joy.....I was gonna try and date this guy from the Internet but i noticed to many things he's NOT and thats the problem lol he is right here in Houston all i gotta do is use the number he gave me but *kanye shrug* i just dont want to yet. I feel as though I need a career or something to bring to the table than my winning charm. Se how i get off subject we were in my room now were in my head.

*sips cups of the rosay*

Sunday, July 10, 2011


*Tears streaming from my eye* I need to let it go. I hurt so much sometimes I thought I got over it and I moved on but it catches back up to me when I feel low. Most people think they kn0w more than what they know when they read my comments read my blog *taps you on the shoulder* Hey buddy your wrong. Its hard sometimes to think where I was and how far I have come to getting my life back after almost taking it. I have strong demons inside that want to take over but I don't let it. I thank my nephew for saving me he was the one thing I knew I wanted to be great for if not for myself. I want him to say one day "you know what my aunt coco is so fucking awesome" lol well maybe not the word fucking..I know that he is holding me and letting me know not to give up on him and I wanna say to him I'm not anymore. I want my life back and I will get it one day at a time.

What gets me the most as that the one that I trusted uses this against me and keeps me prisoner in his life I have so much hate for him it hurts me deeply..I shouldn't hate him like I do and like him its a love hate situation like a drug user they hate it but loves the way it makes them feel..I know that he will bring me down mentally if I don't break free soon...I wanna break free its just hard. He listen he gets me STOP TAKING UP FOR HIM *my mind screams at me* I try TRY HARDER he doesn't play fair *FIGHT HIM* lol I laugh at this because they way he plays he wins and i hate to lose I try to win at everything but I lose to him my mind body soul spirit everything I lose to him....*tears stream down my face*

I gotta find a peace of MIND

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Letting Go

As I sit here and type this epiphany i wonder what am i really saying yes to and what am I really letting go of. The guy that i been having an on off for 4 years BADHABIT we have a good connection in and out the bed the only time we get into it is behind him lying about females. Other that we are fine almost perfect i don't ask much from he he doesn't ask for much beside some tennis shoes. lol he is a sneaker head. then we have my NAVY GUY NC guy we known each other for over 9 years but he got married and then a divorce not even a year into his marriage. He is a nice guy we don't have very much in common but he is very sweet and he listens to me. He is open and doesn't hide what he does from me. I know he wants to marry me and i gave him the green light to ask me when ever we were ready in our careers and life. I hate that he is really honest about the current female in his life she has like 5 kids from a previous relationship and he hangs out with them goes on vacation. i think its more than what he is saying but like i said he has been truthful about the problems they are having. BAD HABIT has a kid on the way. NAVY GUY has a kid named after him that isnt his and has to many pregnancy scares with the girl he is seeing.

Then its me and my issues i think that I'm a romantic type of girl. I hide behind a well played cover and its a good cover. I want something that i can tell my kids about and grand kids about. LOL silly me huh.....I don't wanna be any of theirs sloppy seconds but it seems that i am. No matter what i say i seem to fall back into what they say. i wanna move away from them. I been putting in internships away from this state and not close to NC because i wanna see what else is out there. i would like a southern gentleman with a city boy swag. He can be over 6ft and have the manners of an aristocrat. Smart funny shy romantic cool fly caring and sexy but not to sexy lol. And i can say that niether of these guys have the quailities on their own but together they make a good person lol like me and my 2 men but i know that wont happen because each is selfish in their own way. im selfish because i dont wanna share myself with anyone but him. Im to old to have a boyfriend or update on facebook about how good and loving my partner is. thats lame i just want it for myself :)

I dont know what else to say or do i think both guys are nice but maybe i just really need to cut my ties with both of them and just start over...Letting go of both might be the best bet if i cant be number 1....... why does it have to be so hard

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Past

I believe that sometimes its okay to look back in the past to see whats changed and how things could have been different. I also believe that some things in the past should stay in the past. This come on the surprise reapperance of a guy I knew back in the day. He was important to me then because i actually thought he gave a damn about me. I was totally wrong when everything came to light with him. I wish I didnt have feelings for him back then and i wish i didnt have them now. He hurted me more than anything and he didnt and stills doesnt give a damn even after i say something to him about it. Im tripping im being sensititve. But its funny everytime he asked to hold his hand through something he was going through i did believing that he could she that i actually cared that he felt better and was going to make it through his situations. Boy was i wrong the next vagina he hoped right on leaving me behind as a distant memory. I dont think i could ever love him anymore or have feelings im all cried out and im done. I cant be what he wants me to be. I cant be here for him all the time while he sits there and treats me like im not shit. Well maybe im not shit but he doesnt have to add more shit to the toilet. I just hope one day he realized what he missed out on. I really tried to be there for him but selfish people like that dont deserve what im capable of bringing to their life. Whats crazy is i would have given him everything if thats was to make him happy....... Im must have been dumb but i guess the heart tells you what to do and whats crazy about that as well is that i know i will still answer his calls text whatever....maybe its the whole thing about being needed..Different blog im sure who knows...and whats also crazy he might be the one to ruin me for all others guys and by the end of this blog i think he already did.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. Maya Angelou

I really dont know i started off with this quote. I been doing a lot of thinking going through a lot of things that way heavy on my heart, mind and body. I feel that sometimes I'm all alone in this world. The people we depend on most is our FAMILY. Its real funny to me because thats why I am alone. I dont fit in with them let alone have anything in common besides DNA.

When a baby is born I always thought that they have more things in common with their mother. In my case its not. Me and my mother are like enemies on the same team. (DNA) She doesnt like me and I dont like her. Its always been that way. We pass like to ships in the night never sayin one word to each other and sometimes we force ourselves to communicate with each other. Shame huh wasted years on someone that doesnt and has never wanted you around. Are fight are always something to see. I never wanted you as a child or me saying It aint like you were ever around to begin with why change now.

Family vacations we went our separate ways in a theme park. I was 12 all i had was my watch and spending cash we were to meet up at the gate when it was time to leave. Wow yeah sad but true.

I know she knows why i hate her so much. She knew the whole time and didnt say shit. Thats what hurts the most. But i got over it just as i always have. I know that when people on the outside hurt me it doesnt phase me but only for a minute and them im over it. But your own mother betrays you for what. Still havent gotten that answer. I will never know.

Right now she is living her life or whats left of it. She is dying of cancer all alone in her house. Maybe my brothers will come and visit since she has repeatedly said from time to time she wish she had all boys.

Its funny as i write this right now I teared up just a little bit but it went away. I know that i will never know how to LOVE another person because it wasnt taught to me. I can say it all day but what does it really mean.

I dont expect to get it from my father or his family but maybe from my aunt and her kids. when i talk to them that is or stop by just to check up on them. I like them more than my MOTHER thats for sure. Have you ever had someone judge you for ever move that you make. Oh your walking wrong or you will never been anything lol. Funny how my mom talked down on one of my friends growing up as a child. Now that friend is married and is a teacher.

As I sit here and type this blog I'm alone very alone. My thoughts are to myself. this screen is to its self wondering when i will stop pressing on these damn keys. I can be funny but i dont feel like being funny i feel like being angry but i wont. My heart and my mind wont let me. Screw the world that put me here. for what an absentee mother and a drug addict for a father well at least he cared enough to not be in my life. He is trying no not to go back to jail. He even got himself a wife lol. but that wont last long. i know him he loves jail he loves rehab more than his kids. his wife his life....... what a goal my father had or has gotta love a black man. they always tend to turn to drugs or other women.

Who am i turning to now that im all alone... Myself because i always now that no matter how many times i FUCK UP i never will turn my back on me. I may judge myself but in the in i always come back. I love hugging myself making myself feel better when others have put me down Yeah i love myself more than anyone. Thats not selfish at all thats what LOVE is.

I guess you can say that I am not ALONE when i have myself!!!!!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Illusion, Mirage, or Real

When you open your eyes what do you see? Some people see a sky that is blue or a leaf that is green. They see it because thats whats presented to them, but could it have been an Illusion or a Mirage or was it real. Did they touch it? Did they taste it? Did they hear it? They only seen it because to touch taste or feel it would have actually had to been in their face. You cant really touch the sun so how do we know that a sun is what it is...................................

I think a lot of people especially men seem to think that if you see it then it must be what it is. They never touched it tasted or heard it but they believe in what they see. False eyes!!!! I think that a lot of you (men) think that what i write is what you will get. You never been around me to touch me taste me (not in that way) or to hear me. You think a couple of blogs tweets or whatever is what i am. False eyes!!!!!

Everything that i say is what I'm thinking at that moment or was triggered by what someone else might have said. I dont think that I'm some type of sex symbol or some person that is full of them selves. I do normal things on daily basis when I'm alone you dont know what i do or when I'm with my friends you dont know how i act. I always been me I never diluted myself so that i can be perfect in someone elses eyes. I dont think that i should be judged or crucified by answering a question to what someone might have asked me or what i feel at the moment.

To know me is to love me for all that i do and what i stand for. Have you ever seen me volunteer to feed the homeless on thanksgiving? Have you ever seen me pick up something an elderly lady dropped and give it back to her because you know that it was hers and not yours? Have you ever seen me with my niece, nephew and lil cousin all at the same time? If you have then your really lucky because they are the most amazing group of kids. i love them to pieces and would never do anything to hurt them.

If u feel that u prejudged me based on my blogs tweet in what not i forgive you because you really dont know me.