December 31,2011

Well its about that time....Dooms Day aka I can give my full attention to someone. I think thats were my tension has been coming from lately I know I made promises of saying I would date people and I know I made a big promise of taking a relationship serious to one person. I think the closer I get to that date it makes me realize I have really no more excuses and thats scaring the shit out me. 1st off I dont wanna live with a guy Im not ready for that type of step. I dont mind dating and the spend the night thing but living is "premanent" its like whats mine is yours and whats yours is no longer yours. with all the things thats been going on i dont even know if im compatible with men anymore. I used to think I knew men and what they wanted now I dont even know. I cant tell you the last time i actually talked on a phone to a guy and wanted to get to know him. like really know him. Im trying to focus on not so attractive guys that way i know what im feeling is real and not lust and good sex. Ah sex that word I knew it would pop up sooner or later. Sex isnt such a big deal anymore i mean it was when I was younger then bigger the longest all that jazz. But now i just care about hanging out one on one not me you a video game twitter, facebook or anything else. Just time!!!!!!!!! I think I'm realizing life is too short and the more time i spend with a person the more I can appreciate it. Reading going on trips being all cute and romantic like. Having other couples see us having fun and thinking HEY I WANT THAT....But its so hard to find a guy that has the similar taste as you do and is willing to try anything once maybe twice. Its not about money its about the experience that you get when you go. For me i wanna do everything go everywhere live life before i dont have a life of my own anymore. But i also know that i dont wanna wait 2 to 8 years with someone who doesnt want to move forward. after 2 years im out If you dont know me by now you never ever know me lol. I have been peeping several prospects but it wouldnt work out. the 1st one i dont even think he likes me as a person *insert sad face* The 2nd i wont after 6 years i cant 3rd I havent even asked for his number in class yet..Its gonna be hard to shake an image that i laid out but in my mind i didnt wanna turn people on that way. Like if you found me desireable and wanted to date me that probably would have lead to somewhere and my dreams of graduating college would've been put on the back burner...for once i wanna finish what i start..........Damn December 31, 2011

Danielle'sRoom

*plays marvins room instrumental*
Havent fucked in 9 months
school and overworked
this blog is a mistake
Fatigued with no sleep
i know you got a BM
This is so pathetic
still havent told you everything

I cant even finish this bc its so much that I wanna put in this blog that I cant...I had him in my room last night and his BM wasnt even a topic...Why am I settling for the less when I know I can get better if I tried. He is right here in my face thats why and safe I dont have to try hard its easy. I hate easy thats why I want away from this...I want hard complicated and fun. We cant have fun bc he has to figure out how to support him her and their new bundle of joy.....I was gonna try and date this guy from the Internet but i noticed to many things he's NOT and thats the problem lol he is right here in Houston all i gotta do is use the number he gave me but *kanye shrug* i just dont want to yet. I feel as though I need a career or something to bring to the table than my winning charm. Se how i get off subject we were in my room now were in my head.

*sips cups of the rosay*

I gotta FIND PEACE OF MIND

*Tears streaming from my eye* I need to let it go. I hurt so much sometimes I thought I got over it and I moved on but it catches back up to me when I feel low. Most people think they kn0w more than what they know when they read my comments read my blog *taps you on the shoulder* Hey buddy your wrong. Its hard sometimes to think where I was and how far I have come to getting my life back after almost taking it. I have strong demons inside that want to take over but I don't let it. I thank my nephew for saving me he was the one thing I knew I wanted to be great for if not for myself. I want him to say one day "you know what my aunt coco is so fucking awesome" lol well maybe not the word fucking..I know that he is holding me and letting me know not to give up on him and I wanna say to him I'm not anymore. I want my life back and I will get it one day at a time.

What gets me the most as that the one that I trusted uses this against me and keeps me prisoner in his life I have so much hate for him it hurts me deeply..I shouldn't hate him like I do and like him its a love hate situation like a drug user they hate it but loves the way it makes them feel..I know that he will bring me down mentally if I don't break free soon...I wanna break free its just hard. He listen he gets me STOP TAKING UP FOR HIM *my mind screams at me* I try TRY HARDER he doesn't play fair *FIGHT HIM* lol I laugh at this because they way he plays he wins and i hate to lose I try to win at everything but I lose to him my mind body soul spirit everything I lose to him....*tears stream down my face*


I gotta find a peace of MIND

Letting Go

As I sit here and type this epiphany i wonder what am i really saying yes to and what am I really letting go of. The guy that i been having an on off for 4 years BADHABIT we have a good connection in and out the bed the only time we get into it is behind him lying about females. Other that we are fine almost perfect i don't ask much from he he doesn't ask for much beside some tennis shoes. lol he is a sneaker head. then we have my NAVY GUY NC guy we known each other for over 9 years but he got married and then a divorce not even a year into his marriage. He is a nice guy we don't have very much in common but he is very sweet and he listens to me. He is open and doesn't hide what he does from me. I know he wants to marry me and i gave him the green light to ask me when ever we were ready in our careers and life. I hate that he is really honest about the current female in his life she has like 5 kids from a previous relationship and he hangs out with them goes on vacation. i think its more than what he is saying but like i said he has been truthful about the problems they are having. BAD HABIT has a kid on the way. NAVY GUY has a kid named after him that isnt his and has to many pregnancy scares with the girl he is seeing.

Then its me and my issues i think that I'm a romantic type of girl. I hide behind a well played cover and its a good cover. I want something that i can tell my kids about and grand kids about. LOL silly me huh.....I don't wanna be any of theirs sloppy seconds but it seems that i am. No matter what i say i seem to fall back into what they say. i wanna move away from them. I been putting in internships away from this state and not close to NC because i wanna see what else is out there. i would like a southern gentleman with a city boy swag. He can be over 6ft and have the manners of an aristocrat. Smart funny shy romantic cool fly caring and sexy but not to sexy lol. And i can say that niether of these guys have the quailities on their own but together they make a good person lol like me and my 2 men but i know that wont happen because each is selfish in their own way. im selfish because i dont wanna share myself with anyone but him. Im to old to have a boyfriend or update on facebook about how good and loving my partner is. thats lame i just want it for myself :)

I dont know what else to say or do i think both guys are nice but maybe i just really need to cut my ties with both of them and just start over...Letting go of both might be the best bet if i cant be number 1....... why does it have to be so hard