Letting Go

As I sit here and type this epiphany i wonder what am i really saying yes to and what am I really letting go of. The guy that i been having an on off for 4 years BADHABIT we have a good connection in and out the bed the only time we get into it is behind him lying about females. Other that we are fine almost perfect i don't ask much from he he doesn't ask for much beside some tennis shoes. lol he is a sneaker head. then we have my NAVY GUY NC guy we known each other for over 9 years but he got married and then a divorce not even a year into his marriage. He is a nice guy we don't have very much in common but he is very sweet and he listens to me. He is open and doesn't hide what he does from me. I know he wants to marry me and i gave him the green light to ask me when ever we were ready in our careers and life. I hate that he is really honest about the current female in his life she has like 5 kids from a previous relationship and he hangs out with them goes on vacation. i think its more than what he is saying but like i said he has been truthful about the problems they are having. BAD HABIT has a kid on the way. NAVY GUY has a kid named after him that isnt his and has to many pregnancy scares with the girl he is seeing.

Then its me and my issues i think that I'm a romantic type of girl. I hide behind a well played cover and its a good cover. I want something that i can tell my kids about and grand kids about. LOL silly me huh.....I don't wanna be any of theirs sloppy seconds but it seems that i am. No matter what i say i seem to fall back into what they say. i wanna move away from them. I been putting in internships away from this state and not close to NC because i wanna see what else is out there. i would like a southern gentleman with a city boy swag. He can be over 6ft and have the manners of an aristocrat. Smart funny shy romantic cool fly caring and sexy but not to sexy lol. And i can say that niether of these guys have the quailities on their own but together they make a good person lol like me and my 2 men but i know that wont happen because each is selfish in their own way. im selfish because i dont wanna share myself with anyone but him. Im to old to have a boyfriend or update on facebook about how good and loving my partner is. thats lame i just want it for myself :)

I dont know what else to say or do i think both guys are nice but maybe i just really need to cut my ties with both of them and just start over...Letting go of both might be the best bet if i cant be number 1....... why does it have to be so hard