Alone................

We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. Maya Angelou

I really dont know i started off with this quote. I been doing a lot of thinking going through a lot of things that way heavy on my heart, mind and body. I feel that sometimes I'm all alone in this world. The people we depend on most is our FAMILY. Its real funny to me because thats why I am alone. I dont fit in with them let alone have anything in common besides DNA.

When a baby is born I always thought that they have more things in common with their mother. In my case its not. Me and my mother are like enemies on the same team. (DNA) She doesnt like me and I dont like her. Its always been that way. We pass like to ships in the night never sayin one word to each other and sometimes we force ourselves to communicate with each other. Shame huh wasted years on someone that doesnt and has never wanted you around. Are fight are always something to see. I never wanted you as a child or me saying It aint like you were ever around to begin with why change now.

Family vacations we went our separate ways in a theme park. I was 12 all i had was my watch and spending cash we were to meet up at the gate when it was time to leave. Wow yeah sad but true.

I know she knows why i hate her so much. She knew the whole time and didnt say shit. Thats what hurts the most. But i got over it just as i always have. I know that when people on the outside hurt me it doesnt phase me but only for a minute and them im over it. But your own mother betrays you for what. Still havent gotten that answer. I will never know.

Right now she is living her life or whats left of it. She is dying of cancer all alone in her house. Maybe my brothers will come and visit since she has repeatedly said from time to time she wish she had all boys.

Its funny as i write this right now I teared up just a little bit but it went away. I know that i will never know how to LOVE another person because it wasnt taught to me. I can say it all day but what does it really mean.

I dont expect to get it from my father or his family but maybe from my aunt and her kids. when i talk to them that is or stop by just to check up on them. I like them more than my MOTHER thats for sure. Have you ever had someone judge you for ever move that you make. Oh your walking wrong or you will never been anything lol. Funny how my mom talked down on one of my friends growing up as a child. Now that friend is married and is a teacher.

As I sit here and type this blog I'm alone very alone. My thoughts are to myself. this screen is to its self wondering when i will stop pressing on these damn keys. I can be funny but i dont feel like being funny i feel like being angry but i wont. My heart and my mind wont let me. Screw the world that put me here. for what an absentee mother and a drug addict for a father well at least he cared enough to not be in my life. He is trying no not to go back to jail. He even got himself a wife lol. but that wont last long. i know him he loves jail he loves rehab more than his kids. his wife his life....... what a goal my father had or has gotta love a black man. they always tend to turn to drugs or other women.

Who am i turning to now that im all alone... Myself because i always now that no matter how many times i FUCK UP i never will turn my back on me. I may judge myself but in the in i always come back. I love hugging myself making myself feel better when others have put me down Yeah i love myself more than anyone. Thats not selfish at all thats what LOVE is.


I guess you can say that I am not ALONE when i have myself!!!!!!!