Dream catcher

According to Freud the reason we dream is to satisfy our own wishes but, what happens when we are dealt with a life threatening cancer. How do our sleep patterns and dreams change once we have something else to focus on? In this sit down interview with we find out first hand what happens when cancer is our main focus every night.

Q. Will you like to share with me the traumatic event that took place in your life recently?
A. Yes, in recent months I found out that I was diagnosed with 2 types of breast cancer.
Q. How did you feel when the doctor told you the news of the cancer?
A. I was in shock. It took awhile to get the results from what I initially thought was heartburn. My doctor planned a trip the week my results came in so it was a waiting game until she returned to town. I was thinking I’m way too young to have cancer. How could this happen to me. I’m a smoker so I was thinking it should have been lung cancer instead of breast. The first cancer was found in my right which had little signs of cancer. The second was found in my left breast which basically covered the whole breast.
Q. Has these cancers in anyway changed the pattern or rhythm of sleep?
A. Yes and No. I use to work a lot of hours 16 to 18 hours a day. Due to the fact that I had to be at work rather than sleep I usually went straight to sleep once I got home. Now that I have cancer it’s hard to sleep because I don’t work as much. I always had trouble sleeping so nothing has really changed except it’s harder to sleep now.
Q. Would you like to talk about your dreams?
A. Dreams in life or dream for future
Q. Dreams as far as sleep is concerned?
A. I rarely have dreams. I think people think they dream all the time. I’m frightful of snakes and when I dream of snakes something bad happens the next day or days later.
Q. Did you dream of snakes before you were diagnosis with cancer?
A. 2 cobras. 1 was dormant the other was striking in the air. The dormant snake died. The bad snake lived which I thought should have died.
Q. After being diagnosis with cancer how did your sleep patterns change?
A. Didn’t sleep well at al the first night all I could think about was cancer. Before I left my doctors office I asked for a sleeping pill because I knew I wasn’t going to sleep.
Q. How long did you rely on these sleep supplements to get you to sleep?
A. I’m still relying on them
Q. What date were you diagnosis with cancer?
A. May 7, 2009 for the first breast the second never got diagnosis they just took the breast while I was on the table.
Q. You’ve been using prescription drugs for almost two months now is that correct?
Yes
Q. Does this prescription cause hallucination?
No, just drowsiness I asked for ambien but she gave me adabant for anxiety it causes me to sleep anyway.
Q. Do you know what insomnia is?
Yes, I do
Q. After having the surgery and the removal of both your breast did you suffer from insomnia?
A. No, because they kept me drugged up in the hospital. When I was released to go home they gave more adabant.
Q. Does Adabant cause you not to dream?
A. No
Q. What kind of dreams were you having after the surgery?
A. Since the surgery I haven’t had any dreams
Q. Have you talked to your doctor about this?
A. I didn’t know it wasn’t common not to have dreams
Q. Have you had a Night Terror?
A. Yeah I had a dream I was in bed with the president. I was the nanny. That’s one dream that won’t come true
Q. Freud says people dream to satisfy their own wishes. Do you wish to be with President Obama or someone with that kind of power?
A. Of course I don’t have to work as hard
Q. Since you been on these prescriptions for almost two months is it safe to say you have a habit?
A. Well yeah before those I was hooked on Tylenol pm. Well no because I can always go back to Tylenol pm. So yes and no. Tylenol is an OTC (over the counter drug) where Adabant is prescribed.
Q. Why were you hooked on Tylenol?
A. Because when I was working after 18 hours, I had trouble sleeping
Q. Have you developed a tolerance for Tylenol or Adabant?
A. Yes because it took to many Tylenol to get to sleep. That’s why I got Adabant. To be honest I wanted to get off the Tylenol
Q. So you’re an Addict?
A. Yes if you want to call it that. No matter where I am at I will need help to sleep. I think im a controlled addict
Q. Are you secretly running from or trying to avoid life since being diagnosis with cancer?
A. I think I’m secretly doing a lot of thing. I have two types of cancer and I been told that there might be a possibility I might have a third cancer running thru my bones.
Q. Will this third cancer enhance your addiction to prescription or OTC drugs?
A. The third cancer will kill me. So when you’re faced with that you feel depressed. I was okay with the right and left breast having cancer. A lot has changed for me. When I get up in the morning its work work. I take the pill before I shower it allows me to wash away my worries and cry. I can’t even move my arms right. I plan on keeping my addiction because it helps me cope. No one would like me if I wasn’t hyped on drugs
Q. In your last statement you said, “Worried about not being liked”, is that why you are using drugs
A. No that’s for sure. I would be ugly to people for no reason, just because I have a lot of stress with cancer and dying on my mind
Q. Do you think taking drugs or dependants is affecting your family?
A. No, because I take it at night so they should be sleep. I have no little kids and I have no one dependant on me for care at home. All my kids are grown and not living with me.
Q. Do they have a clue as to what you are taking?
A. Yes my daughter picks up my prescriptions when I order refills
Q.Your taking these OTC and prescriptions do you think you can die from an overdose?
A. you can die from an overdose on anything even OTC’s. Im very aware of what I’m taking and how to take them. (CNA) That wouldn’t be overdose that would be suicide
Q. Are you suicidal?
A. No but I would if I lost all my motor skills
Q.When you start chemo and couldn’t take the pain would you kill your self then?
A. No, it’s a once a month thing. The scary thing is radiation
Q. Would you kill your self after radiation?
A. No….. If the time comes I would like a DNR (do not resiate) because of bills and stress on my body (laughs)
Q. Is this funny?
A. no it’s not far from being funny. In my situation its okay to laugh
Q. Cancer is stressful for your mind, body, and spirit. If your doctor gave you good news would you stop using drugs or these dependants?
A. Well no because one doesn’t have to do with the other. If I went back to work I would still have trouble sleeping.
Q. Is your sleeping pattern caused by you not doing anything social?
A. there is nothing out in society that interests me. I like to travel when I have money. But I’m not working bills still need to be paid. Things around the house are dependant on me to pay them. So all I really have is I to pay them.
Q. I understand that but what about a hobby, children, and grandchildren to keep you company?
A. Nerves to bad for that don’t really like a lot of noise. I read books occasionally.
Q. If money wasn’t an issue would you still be hooked on sleep aides?
A. yes, rich or poor I would find away to get Tylenol pm. Well maybe maybe not. When you’re rich you make your own schedule
Q. Are you just not happy?
A. Well at this time in my life no. I’m not happy who would be when they are faced with cancer. I don’t have bone cancer that would be a blessing. I can deal with breast cancer.
Q. Has cancer ruined your sec life?
A. Yes because I don’t have the need for sex. I do have a date book that I can always use if the urge ever comes up. Yeah I have men that wouldn’t mind giving me help in that department
Q. Do you think your faith in God has changed?
A. No drugs or illness will ever take away my faith in him. (God) But I do ask myself why me why now…. Earlier you said dreams. Now I’m thinking and wishing instead of dreaming to get better. Should be better.
Q. What are your Hopes now that life has dealt you this hand?
A. Don’t have many now I just hope to get better. After being sawed and butchered on I try to look on the bright side. I can have breast replacement even though I don’t want to have anymore surgery. No hair no breasts I would look like a tranny. I don’t want to get confused with being gay. Because there’re gay bashers can be really mean.


The interview ended right there because the sleep aids that takes were starting to take there effect on her. From this interview we see that not all people dream as some of these researchers once thought. When dealt with life altering problems we as human turn to drugs or prescriptions as a way of coping with the pain or trying to escape the fears we have of dying. is not just some random women that I happen to stumble upon she is my mother. This was really one other the toughest assignments I had at C.O.M. because it made me face what I didn’t want to face. It makes me realize what I don’t really want to see or hear especially coming from my mother.

the day the world cried

June 25, 2009 we lot an ICON a LEGAND sum1 that we will probably never see in this lifetime. well i will never see Michael Joseph Jackson he was 50 years old. I was in the movies complaining about my lil cousin. While millions of people were watching and waiting to see the out come of this nightmare come to an end. I feel that life is to short. We dont say the things that we want to say or do the things that we want to do. Also on this date Farrah Fawset died of cancer. She was the first shout out i gave on twitter that morning believe it our not she was an ICON made having a hard nipple acceptable in a photograph. Michael changed music made people want to be like him. Peoople will try to imitate im duplicate him it wont happen he is a genuis a real genuis. He brought people together with his music...... A president or a prince cant even do that.He will forever be our KING our prince of music........ wemiss ya mike i just wish i still had my beat it jacket we loved those things lol every child tried what you did. i still do my air hump dance i love that dance i wish icould kiss this screen bc thats how i feel i justr wanna kiss ya goodbye but its not goodbye i willo see ya soon.




Farrah fawset and her cancer battle that ended on a sad note reminds me of my mothers battle. I f all i have is a few years left with my momm i will make the most of it. 2 types of cancers are nu10 to play with. I will cherish everyday like it is her lastg and make sure she knows that i love her. damnnn this is starting to get to emotional breeak bye.'........................... and fuck my spelling i tried

im tryin 2 retire the NIKES

while tweeting yesterday i realized something about me that i want to share. I don't know if you guys remember me saying that mom mother has cancer. Well when i was talking to her the other day she basically said, " i don't think your strong enough to be on your own". when she said this i just laughed it off as if she didn't know what she was talking about. Also i really started paying more attention in my psychology class and my behavior is really unusual. (nu10) CRAZY LOL.... I mean i realized before hand that i wasn't strong but being hit with it and dealing with it was sum10 i really wasn't and I'm not trying to deal with. I don't know why I'm not strong i don't know why I put out walls that i know others wont scale even with a rope or ladder. letting someone see me doesnt appeal to me very. Dwight Howard wanted to know if you had a super power what would you have. My first thought was Flash because i would be able to run when i wanted to escape. But then i changed it bc i didnt want people to know that i was runnning. I always have a plan for a plan is that weird. If im going somewhere i plan all the escape routes. come up with clever excuses on how to dip out. lol i know what im running from but i wish not to share but maybe its time to stop from running from the problems and come up with solutions. such as conditioning myself to be stronger i always said if sum10 happen to my mother i would lose it. But i dont wanna lose it i wanna win. survive this dent in my road life gave me. They say god doesnt put you through sum10 you cant handle but i use to think that wasnt true by my actiions.... but im starting to trust my heart more and the real me wants to be seen and the shoes will hang out on the line.....

Seeing through the screen

this blog today makes me wonder what lies beneath the surface. Alot of people say alot of things but how do tell whats true from whats fake. How do we trust a person and allow them to trust you back. I dont trust nobody and i dont expect them to trust me back until they prove to me that they are who excpeted them to be a liar...I know that some lies are said to protect peoples feelings. I understand that but little lies like oh im going to the baseball game but ur bowling a lie really not meant to be said. if your in your heart you feel as if you have to lie to them so that they will like you better then they are not the ones for you. I never meet a guy that i havent lied to but i never meet a guy that made me want to open up except one time. his lies cost the best relationship i ever had. He will and alwayz be the one that got a away in my opinion.

Can I have You

This guy we will call XXX has been on my mind since the first time i saw him. He reminds me of the type of guy i would want 2 marry and have babies wit (deep huh). I never really thought about kids til i really started talking to him and getting to know him. I know im not special but i think he is..(yuk im sounding like poetry) but its true. Sum10 about him makes me think i should see where this could go but another piece of me is afraid of failure. My fear is being alone. not being wanted is another personal fear of mine.... I dont know why i seem out going enough but when im alone i feel lonely..(said huh) so i get bored or get into trouble lol... I wouldnt treat ne dude that i felt had gr8 potential like NEW BOOTY. lol yeah i think im ready to take that step into the world of one on one dating and getting into a relationship.... i real relationship nu10 based on games or sex/fucking but actual feelings... I feel that XXX is a good candidate among other guys i met while out an about. so we will see I have no courage to ask him but i will.... when i surprise him this summer or maybe a surprise shouldnt be i should call first yeah call first lol

to hate sex

comin from me you would think that she is a freak and freaks just dont wanna have sex.... well im not counting out the physical parts but sex and fucking is starting to get very boring 2 me... I have been known to pick up my phone and talk plus text b im just that bored.... Im not giving up on doing it but im sorry to say this but i really wanna absolutly make LOVE (ahhhhhh no not that) yes my body is telling me that its going to be the best feeling in tha world. the only problem is i cant fall in LOVE (there's that word again) Everytime i think about my self in bed i feel like im making LOVE to this figure i cant see his face but he is making me feel so good. Then when i thinkin about fuckin or sex im sleepy lol...... Somebody has been putting this mumbo jumbo in my head that LOVE is the best feeling in the world.... I wanna go back 2 fucking and having sex but i cant bc i know that i will no be satisfied... So you guys with your damn opinions keep nthem to yourself you fucked my head up really bad.... I only had sex 2 3/4 times this year im not enjoying it til i fall in LOVE (damn you) damn the word love bc maybe sum10 is wrong wit me thats why i cant love him the way i want 2............... i hate sex i hate fucking I JUST WANNA LOVE YOU (damn my playa days are over i see it) I just wish i knew who this mystery body is bc im READY 4 real lol

My LUV

I have a habit of telling men that i luv them. Same on me i know but if u see i how i spell it u will know that thats the kinda luv im talking about. Luv for me is hey how u doing whats up thats it. Dont take what i say serious unless we HAVE THE TALK and the talk aint happenin especially if you dont make me a believer in what u say. I take ur word til u prove me wrong and ur action will do that more than what you say. so i luv ya