Lately I've been angry, upset or just plan mad. Things have changed alot in the course of a few months. Well if I really think about it its been a year to date. A friend that i consider like a sister betrayed me over some money. (will money not money as of right now) then skool has been boring more than exciting to me. Then the whole thing wit my mom. (2 types of breast cancer and bone cancer) when i look at it i think that it may have just started with my mom.
I feel like damn she can up jump and leave any minute now and what do i have to show for it. What have i made of myself that she can be proud of. Nothing just nothing. I went to culinary school because i thought i wanted to become a chef and make things and i would never have to go hungry. (child hood maybe one day we will discuss that in detail) But when i went it wasnt what i thought it would be. I never watched a single cooking show on t.v. all my classmates knew famous chefs all i knew was my self and the dream i had of having a restaurant. Somewhere along the way of fucking around at skool and fucking around the clubs i lost why i was even in skool. My grades slipped and i gave up. (different blog new idea) ne who that was a note to self.
Then i got jobs in the industry money was good really good. i thought nothing was gonna stop me. then things got boring i changed somewhere along the way. idk if was being bored or just wanting to be lazy. (still thinking about that) fast forward til now (the stuff in between is a book if u ask me just sayin)
Watchin my mom lose weight and losing the us of her arm is making me upset. I cant help her cant fix it can do shit but watch. People said pray and where they hell has that got me what another year a best with my mom and then what. I will be alone with my thoughts. I wont have her to argue with. who will i argue with. selfish right if you say so.
but back to me..... yeah why back to me thats my selfish side always thinking about me and what i want. well i want to start a family before she leaves so she know that i will always have someone.... but do i need someone thats my anger side who can put or want to put up with me when i cry bitch or laugh... thats the toughest job for any man that would want to be with me.... i want things a certain way i need to have time to think... then what happens if i find someone and i think their great but then they do one thing to piss me off then im done with them.... shit doesnt work that way i get that now but i dont know how to stay. if he said my hair looked jacked up i would walk out on him.... i can diss out shit but listening is my own Achilles heel. i dont wanna listen.. what if i would have listened to my mom and really tried in skool would i be a famous t.v. chef or cooking for famous celebs........
upset that some of you still have your mothers still get to look at her with her perfect health.... upset you still have time..... i have no time.... i dont have time for me for her for any new man no time for that i need to succeed and make money. build a house for my future
anger that if i did those things whos to say that i wont live long enough to enjoy them. what if my second test come back and i have cancer tooo. what man can handle that what man would want me 4 a little while just to loose me to death... that's selfishness on my part for not doing that to him for not allowing him to be with me for not taking his love that he wants to give me
but in other news I'm not pregnant and just like that I'm back to normal
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