Illusion, Mirage, or Real

When you open your eyes what do you see? Some people see a sky that is blue or a leaf that is green. They see it because thats whats presented to them, but could it have been an Illusion or a Mirage or was it real. Did they touch it? Did they taste it? Did they hear it? They only seen it because to touch taste or feel it would have actually had to been in their face. You cant really touch the sun so how do we know that a sun is what it is...................................

I think a lot of people especially men seem to think that if you see it then it must be what it is. They never touched it tasted or heard it but they believe in what they see. False eyes!!!! I think that a lot of you (men) think that what i write is what you will get. You never been around me to touch me taste me (not in that way) or to hear me. You think a couple of blogs tweets or whatever is what i am. False eyes!!!!!

Everything that i say is what I'm thinking at that moment or was triggered by what someone else might have said. I dont think that I'm some type of sex symbol or some person that is full of them selves. I do normal things on daily basis when I'm alone you dont know what i do or when I'm with my friends you dont know how i act. I always been me I never diluted myself so that i can be perfect in someone elses eyes. I dont think that i should be judged or crucified by answering a question to what someone might have asked me or what i feel at the moment.


To know me is to love me for all that i do and what i stand for. Have you ever seen me volunteer to feed the homeless on thanksgiving? Have you ever seen me pick up something an elderly lady dropped and give it back to her because you know that it was hers and not yours? Have you ever seen me with my niece, nephew and lil cousin all at the same time? If you have then your really lucky because they are the most amazing group of kids. i love them to pieces and would never do anything to hurt them.

If u feel that u prejudged me based on my blogs tweet in what not i forgive you because you really dont know me.

I seen heaven

Someone asked me what heaven was like one day and I said all white with people dressed like its a party lol...... honestly I couldn't give them an answer bc i didn't know myself besides from what I seen on T.V. When i actually thought about it. the 1st thing that popped into my head was him. I think of heaven as a happy place where people go to be happy to feel love. that's why I know I seen heaven. when i think of him its nothing but joy in my heart. I feel happy I feel love I feel everything. Have I seen this heavenly place lately no..... but I want to........................................

Pure selfishness of Anger

Lately I've been angry, upset or just plan mad. Things have changed alot in the course of a few months. Well if I really think about it its been a year to date. A friend that i consider like a sister betrayed me over some money. (will money not money as of right now) then skool has been boring more than exciting to me. Then the whole thing wit my mom. (2 types of breast cancer and bone cancer) when i look at it i think that it may have just started with my mom.

I feel like damn she can up jump and leave any minute now and what do i have to show for it. What have i made of myself that she can be proud of. Nothing just nothing. I went to culinary school because i thought i wanted to become a chef and make things and i would never have to go hungry. (child hood maybe one day we will discuss that in detail) But when i went it wasnt what i thought it would be. I never watched a single cooking show on t.v. all my classmates knew famous chefs all i knew was my self and the dream i had of having a restaurant. Somewhere along the way of fucking around at skool and fucking around the clubs i lost why i was even in skool. My grades slipped and i gave up. (different blog new idea) ne who that was a note to self.

Then i got jobs in the industry money was good really good. i thought nothing was gonna stop me. then things got boring i changed somewhere along the way. idk if was being bored or just wanting to be lazy. (still thinking about that) fast forward til now (the stuff in between is a book if u ask me just sayin)

Watchin my mom lose weight and losing the us of her arm is making me upset. I cant help her cant fix it can do shit but watch. People said pray and where they hell has that got me what another year a best with my mom and then what. I will be alone with my thoughts. I wont have her to argue with. who will i argue with. selfish right if you say so.

but back to me..... yeah why back to me thats my selfish side always thinking about me and what i want. well i want to start a family before she leaves so she know that i will always have someone.... but do i need someone thats my anger side who can put or want to put up with me when i cry bitch or laugh... thats the toughest job for any man that would want to be with me.... i want things a certain way i need to have time to think... then what happens if i find someone and i think their great but then they do one thing to piss me off then im done with them.... shit doesnt work that way i get that now but i dont know how to stay. if he said my hair looked jacked up i would walk out on him.... i can diss out shit but listening is my own Achilles heel. i dont wanna listen.. what if i would have listened to my mom and really tried in skool would i be a famous t.v. chef or cooking for famous celebs........

upset that some of you still have your mothers still get to look at her with her perfect health.... upset you still have time..... i have no time.... i dont have time for me for her for any new man no time for that i need to succeed and make money. build a house for my future


anger that if i did those things whos to say that i wont live long enough to enjoy them. what if my second test come back and i have cancer tooo. what man can handle that what man would want me 4 a little while just to loose me to death... that's selfishness on my part for not doing that to him for not allowing him to be with me for not taking his love that he wants to give me


but in other news I'm not pregnant and just like that I'm back to normal

I dont know? I dont care? I just dont

I been thinking a lot lately of the things that I've done or said wrong to people. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know because i don't trust everyone i meet or chit chat through social networks. i have weird moments to where i like you for a moment then I'm done like a toy that lost its value. Not saying that people are like toys its just that i haven't just ran across someone or something that can hold my attention for longer than 5 minutes. then i think that its me where did things go wrong............


Well i had my 1st sexual experience at a very young age lets just say to young to say and I'm not going to talk about it.

it makes my out look on me very strange because i learned on my own that they cant be trusted and that they only want sex. is it weird that i feel that way about men. I hate men sometimes when i think back on my life and shit that i went through.

I never had someone tell me that i was an ugly child or that i was fat. i only been told that i was cute and i should be alright. Alright what does that mean ALRIGHT. Who says shit like that to a child.

Then i ask my self why didn't i speak up? Why did i let whatever happen continue and not say shit? why don't i ever say shit about anything? is this the reason why i have a i don't care attitude? My i don't care attitude is more so reared towards the opposite sex. I don't care what they think or what they feel about me. i don't care if they hurt me, make me laugh, or make me cry? i don't get it sometimes.

I wonder when will i ever get past these feelings? I wonder what will happen if i ever allowed myself to get pregnant and start a family. I don't want to because the fear i will have for my child as if someone will hurt him/her. i would die first before i let them go through anything that i went through. Once innocence is lost its lost for good you cant recover from that all you can do is move on. I tried moving on even ran away from home. The shit follows you around makes you fearful of what a person tells you.


People can say they love you all day but it don't mean shit if they really don't mean it. I know i don't mean it when i say it because everyone throws the word around likes its fucking water.