Mzhtx uncut and raw

December 31,2011

2011-10-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

Well its about that time....Dooms Day aka I can give my full attention to someone. I think thats were my tension has been coming from lately I know I made promises of saying I would date people and I know I made a big promise of taking a relationship serious to one person. I think the closer I get to that date it makes me realize I have really no more excuses and thats scaring the shit out me. 1st off I dont wanna live with a guy Im not ready for that type of step. I dont mind dating and the spend the night thing but living is "premanent" its like whats mine is yours and whats yours is no longer yours. with all the things thats been going on i dont even know if im compatible with men anymore. I used to think I knew men and what they wanted now I dont even know. I cant tell you the last time i actually talked on a phone to a guy and wanted to get to know him. like really know him. Im trying to focus on not so attractive guys that way i know what im feeling is real and not lust and good sex. Ah sex that word I knew it would pop up sooner or later. Sex isnt such a big deal anymore i mean it was when I was younger then bigger the longest all that jazz. But now i just care about hanging out one on one not me you a video game twitter, facebook or anything else. Just time!!!!!!!!! I think I'm realizing life is too short and the more time i spend with a person the more I can appreciate it. Reading going on trips being all cute and romantic like. Having other couples see us having fun and thinking HEY I WANT THAT....But its so hard to find a guy that has the similar taste as you do and is willing to try anything once maybe twice. Its not about money its about the experience that you get when you go. For me i wanna do everything go everywhere live life before i dont have a life of my own anymore. But i also know that i dont wanna wait 2 to 8 years with someone who doesnt want to move forward. after 2 years im out If you dont know me by now you never ever know me lol. I have been peeping several prospects but it wouldnt work out. the 1st one i dont even think he likes me as a person *insert sad face* The 2nd i wont after 6 years i cant 3rd I havent even asked for his number in class yet..Its gonna be hard to shake an image that i laid out but in my mind i didnt wanna turn people on that way. Like if you found me desireable and wanted to date me that probably would have lead to somewhere and my dreams of graduating college would've been put on the back burner...for once i wanna finish what i start..........Damn December 31, 2011

Danielle'sRoom

2011-07-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

*plays marvins room instrumental*
Havent fucked in 9 months
school and overworked
this blog is a mistake
Fatigued with no sleep
i know you got a BM
This is so pathetic
still havent told you everything

I cant even finish this bc its so much that I wanna put in this blog that I cant...I had him in my room last night and his BM wasnt even a topic...Why am I settling for the less when I know I can get better if I tried. He is right here in my face thats why and safe I dont have to try hard its easy. I hate easy thats why I want away from this...I want hard complicated and fun. We cant have fun bc he has to figure out how to support him her and their new bundle of joy.....I was gonna try and date this guy from the Internet but i noticed to many things he's NOT and thats the problem lol he is right here in Houston all i gotta do is use the number he gave me but *kanye shrug* i just dont want to yet. I feel as though I need a career or something to bring to the table than my winning charm. Se how i get off subject we were in my room now were in my head.

*sips cups of the rosay*

I gotta FIND PEACE OF MIND

2011-07-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

*Tears streaming from my eye* I need to let it go. I hurt so much sometimes I thought I got over it and I moved on but it catches back up to me when I feel low. Most people think they kn0w more than what they know when they read my comments read my blog *taps you on the shoulder* Hey buddy your wrong. Its hard sometimes to think where I was and how far I have come to getting my life back after almost taking it. I have strong demons inside that want to take over but I don't let it. I thank my nephew for saving me he was the one thing I knew I wanted to be great for if not for myself. I want him to say one day "you know what my aunt coco is so fucking awesome" lol well maybe not the word fucking..I know that he is holding me and letting me know not to give up on him and I wanna say to him I'm not anymore. I want my life back and I will get it one day at a time.

What gets me the most as that the one that I trusted uses this against me and keeps me prisoner in his life I have so much hate for him it hurts me deeply..I shouldn't hate him like I do and like him its a love hate situation like a drug user they hate it but loves the way it makes them feel..I know that he will bring me down mentally if I don't break free soon...I wanna break free its just hard. He listen he gets me STOP TAKING UP FOR HIM *my mind screams at me* I try TRY HARDER he doesn't play fair *FIGHT HIM* lol I laugh at this because they way he plays he wins and i hate to lose I try to win at everything but I lose to him my mind body soul spirit everything I lose to him....*tears stream down my face*

I gotta find a peace of MIND

Letting Go

2011-04-21T20:28:00.001-07:00

As I sit here and type this epiphany i wonder what am i really saying yes to and what am I really letting go of. The guy that i been having an on off for 4 years BADHABIT we have a good connection in and out the bed the only time we get into it is behind him lying about females. Other that we are fine almost perfect i don't ask much from he he doesn't ask for much beside some tennis shoes. lol he is a sneaker head. then we have my NAVY GUY NC guy we known each other for over 9 years but he got married and then a divorce not even a year into his marriage. He is a nice guy we don't have very much in common but he is very sweet and he listens to me. He is open and doesn't hide what he does from me. I know he wants to marry me and i gave him the green light to ask me when ever we were ready in our careers and life. I hate that he is really honest about the current female in his life she has like 5 kids from a previous relationship and he hangs out with them goes on vacation. i think its more than what he is saying but like i said he has been truthful about the problems they are having. BAD HABIT has a kid on the way. NAVY GUY has a kid named after him that isnt his and has to many pregnancy scares with the girl he is seeing.

Then its me and my issues i think that I'm a romantic type of girl. I hide behind a well played cover and its a good cover. I want something that i can tell my kids about and grand kids about. LOL silly me huh.....I don't wanna be any of theirs sloppy seconds but it seems that i am. No matter what i say i seem to fall back into what they say. i wanna move away from them. I been putting in internships away from this state and not close to NC because i wanna see what else is out there. i would like a southern gentleman with a city boy swag. He can be over 6ft and have the manners of an aristocrat. Smart funny shy romantic cool fly caring and sexy but not to sexy lol. And i can say that niether of these guys have the quailities on their own but together they make a good person lol like me and my 2 men but i know that wont happen because each is selfish in their own way. im selfish because i dont wanna share myself with anyone but him. Im to old to have a boyfriend or update on facebook about how good and loving my partner is. thats lame i just want it for myself :)

I dont know what else to say or do i think both guys are nice but maybe i just really need to cut my ties with both of them and just start over...Letting go of both might be the best bet if i cant be number 1....... why does it have to be so hard

The Past

2010-08-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

I believe that sometimes its okay to look back in the past to see whats changed and how things could have been different. I also believe that some things in the past should stay in the past. This come on the surprise reapperance of a guy I knew back in the day. He was important to me then because i actually thought he gave a damn about me. I was totally wrong when everything came to light with him. I wish I didnt have feelings for him back then and i wish i didnt have them now. He hurted me more than anything and he didnt and stills doesnt give a damn even after i say something to him about it. Im tripping im being sensititve. But its funny everytime he asked to hold his hand through something he was going through i did believing that he could she that i actually cared that he felt better and was going to make it through his situations. Boy was i wrong the next vagina he hoped right on leaving me behind as a distant memory. I dont think i could ever love him anymore or have feelings im all cried out and im done. I cant be what he wants me to be. I cant be here for him all the time while he sits there and treats me like im not shit. Well maybe im not shit but he doesnt have to add more shit to the toilet. I just hope one day he realized what he missed out on. I really tried to be there for him but selfish people like that dont deserve what im capable of bringing to their life. Whats crazy is i would have given him everything if thats was to make him happy....... Im must have been dumb but i guess the heart tells you what to do and whats crazy about that as well is that i know i will still answer his calls text whatever....maybe its the whole thing about being needed..Different blog im sure who knows...and whats also crazy he might be the one to ruin me for all others guys and by the end of this blog i think he already did.

Alone................

2009-10-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. Maya Angelou

I really dont know i started off with this quote. I been doing a lot of thinking going through a lot of things that way heavy on my heart, mind and body. I feel that sometimes I'm all alone in this world. The people we depend on most is our FAMILY. Its real funny to me because thats why I am alone. I dont fit in with them let alone have anything in common besides DNA.

When a baby is born I always thought that they have more things in common with their mother. In my case its not. Me and my mother are like enemies on the same team. (DNA) She doesnt like me and I dont like her. Its always been that way. We pass like to ships in the night never sayin one word to each other and sometimes we force ourselves to communicate with each other. Shame huh wasted years on someone that doesnt and has never wanted you around. Are fight are always something to see. I never wanted you as a child or me saying It aint like you were ever around to begin with why change now.

Family vacations we went our separate ways in a theme park. I was 12 all i had was my watch and spending cash we were to meet up at the gate when it was time to leave. Wow yeah sad but true.

I know she knows why i hate her so much. She knew the whole time and didnt say shit. Thats what hurts the most. But i got over it just as i always have. I know that when people on the outside hurt me it doesnt phase me but only for a minute and them im over it. But your own mother betrays you for what. Still havent gotten that answer. I will never know.

Right now she is living her life or whats left of it. She is dying of cancer all alone in her house. Maybe my brothers will come and visit since she has repeatedly said from time to time she wish she had all boys.

Its funny as i write this right now I teared up just a little bit but it went away. I know that i will never know how to LOVE another person because it wasnt taught to me. I can say it all day but what does it really mean.

I dont expect to get it from my father or his family but maybe from my aunt and her kids. when i talk to them that is or stop by just to check up on them. I like them more than my MOTHER thats for sure. Have you ever had someone judge you for ever move that you make. Oh your walking wrong or you will never been anything lol. Funny how my mom talked down on one of my friends growing up as a child. Now that friend is married and is a teacher.

As I sit here and type this blog I'm alone very alone. My thoughts are to myself. this screen is to its self wondering when i will stop pressing on these damn keys. I can be funny but i dont feel like being funny i feel like being angry but i wont. My heart and my mind wont let me. Screw the world that put me here. for what an absentee mother and a drug addict for a father well at least he cared enough to not be in my life. He is trying no not to go back to jail. He even got himself a wife lol. but that wont last long. i know him he loves jail he loves rehab more than his kids. his wife his life....... what a goal my father had or has gotta love a black man. they always tend to turn to drugs or other women.

Who am i turning to now that im all alone... Myself because i always now that no matter how many times i FUCK UP i never will turn my back on me. I may judge myself but in the in i always come back. I love hugging myself making myself feel better when others have put me down Yeah i love myself more than anyone. Thats not selfish at all thats what LOVE is.

I guess you can say that I am not ALONE when i have myself!!!!!!!

Illusion, Mirage, or Real

2009-09-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

When you open your eyes what do you see? Some people see a sky that is blue or a leaf that is green. They see it because thats whats presented to them, but could it have been an Illusion or a Mirage or was it real. Did they touch it? Did they taste it? Did they hear it? They only seen it because to touch taste or feel it would have actually had to been in their face. You cant really touch the sun so how do we know that a sun is what it is...................................

I think a lot of people especially men seem to think that if you see it then it must be what it is. They never touched it tasted or heard it but they believe in what they see. False eyes!!!! I think that a lot of you (men) think that what i write is what you will get. You never been around me to touch me taste me (not in that way) or to hear me. You think a couple of blogs tweets or whatever is what i am. False eyes!!!!!

Everything that i say is what I'm thinking at that moment or was triggered by what someone else might have said. I dont think that I'm some type of sex symbol or some person that is full of them selves. I do normal things on daily basis when I'm alone you dont know what i do or when I'm with my friends you dont know how i act. I always been me I never diluted myself so that i can be perfect in someone elses eyes. I dont think that i should be judged or crucified by answering a question to what someone might have asked me or what i feel at the moment.

To know me is to love me for all that i do and what i stand for. Have you ever seen me volunteer to feed the homeless on thanksgiving? Have you ever seen me pick up something an elderly lady dropped and give it back to her because you know that it was hers and not yours? Have you ever seen me with my niece, nephew and lil cousin all at the same time? If you have then your really lucky because they are the most amazing group of kids. i love them to pieces and would never do anything to hurt them.

If u feel that u prejudged me based on my blogs tweet in what not i forgive you because you really dont know me.

I seen heaven

2009-09-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me what heaven was like one day and I said all white with people dressed like its a party lol...... honestly I couldn't give them an answer bc i didn't know myself besides from what I seen on T.V. When i actually thought about it. the 1st thing that popped into my head was him. I think of heaven as a happy place where people go to be happy to feel love. that's why I know I seen heaven. when i think of him its nothing but joy in my heart. I feel happy I feel love I feel everything. Have I seen this heavenly place lately no..... but I want to........................................

Pure selfishness of Anger

2009-09-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been angry, upset or just plan mad. Things have changed alot in the course of a few months. Well if I really think about it its been a year to date. A friend that i consider like a sister betrayed me over some money. (will money not money as of right now) then skool has been boring more than exciting to me. Then the whole thing wit my mom. (2 types of breast cancer and bone cancer) when i look at it i think that it may have just started with my mom.

I feel like damn she can up jump and leave any minute now and what do i have to show for it. What have i made of myself that she can be proud of. Nothing just nothing. I went to culinary school because i thought i wanted to become a chef and make things and i would never have to go hungry. (child hood maybe one day we will discuss that in detail) But when i went it wasnt what i thought it would be. I never watched a single cooking show on t.v. all my classmates knew famous chefs all i knew was my self and the dream i had of having a restaurant. Somewhere along the way of fucking around at skool and fucking around the clubs i lost why i was even in skool. My grades slipped and i gave up. (different blog new idea) ne who that was a note to self.

Then i got jobs in the industry money was good really good. i thought nothing was gonna stop me. then things got boring i changed somewhere along the way. idk if was being bored or just wanting to be lazy. (still thinking about that) fast forward til now (the stuff in between is a book if u ask me just sayin)

Watchin my mom lose weight and losing the us of her arm is making me upset. I cant help her cant fix it can do shit but watch. People said pray and where they hell has that got me what another year a best with my mom and then what. I will be alone with my thoughts. I wont have her to argue with. who will i argue with. selfish right if you say so.

but back to me..... yeah why back to me thats my selfish side always thinking about me and what i want. well i want to start a family before she leaves so she know that i will always have someone.... but do i need someone thats my anger side who can put or want to put up with me when i cry bitch or laugh... thats the toughest job for any man that would want to be with me.... i want things a certain way i need to have time to think... then what happens if i find someone and i think their great but then they do one thing to piss me off then im done with them.... shit doesnt work that way i get that now but i dont know how to stay. if he said my hair looked jacked up i would walk out on him.... i can diss out shit but listening is my own Achilles heel. i dont wanna listen.. what if i would have listened to my mom and really tried in skool would i be a famous t.v. chef or cooking for famous celebs........

upset that some of you still have your mothers still get to look at her with her perfect health.... upset you still have time..... i have no time.... i dont have time for me for her for any new man no time for that i need to succeed and make money. build a house for my future

anger that if i did those things whos to say that i wont live long enough to enjoy them. what if my second test come back and i have cancer tooo. what man can handle that what man would want me 4 a little while just to loose me to death... that's selfishness on my part for not doing that to him for not allowing him to be with me for not taking his love that he wants to give me

but in other news I'm not pregnant and just like that I'm back to normal

I dont know? I dont care? I just dont

2009-09-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

I been thinking a lot lately of the things that I've done or said wrong to people. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know because i don't trust everyone i meet or chit chat through social networks. i have weird moments to where i like you for a moment then I'm done like a toy that lost its value. Not saying that people are like toys its just that i haven't just ran across someone or something that can hold my attention for longer than 5 minutes. then i think that its me where did things go wrong............

Well i had my 1st sexual experience at a very young age lets just say to young to say and I'm not going to talk about it.

it makes my out look on me very strange because i learned on my own that they cant be trusted and that they only want sex. is it weird that i feel that way about men. I hate men sometimes when i think back on my life and shit that i went through.

I never had someone tell me that i was an ugly child or that i was fat. i only been told that i was cute and i should be alright. Alright what does that mean ALRIGHT. Who says shit like that to a child.

Then i ask my self why didn't i speak up? Why did i let whatever happen continue and not say shit? why don't i ever say shit about anything? is this the reason why i have a i don't care attitude? My i don't care attitude is more so reared towards the opposite sex. I don't care what they think or what they feel about me. i don't care if they hurt me, make me laugh, or make me cry? i don't get it sometimes.

I wonder when will i ever get past these feelings? I wonder what will happen if i ever allowed myself to get pregnant and start a family. I don't want to because the fear i will have for my child as if someone will hurt him/her. i would die first before i let them go through anything that i went through. Once innocence is lost its lost for good you cant recover from that all you can do is move on. I tried moving on even ran away from home. The shit follows you around makes you fearful of what a person tells you.

People can say they love you all day but it don't mean shit if they really don't mean it. I know i don't mean it when i say it because everyone throws the word around likes its fucking water.

Picky im very picky

2009-08-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Im very picky i know this i hate alot of shit guys do. thats why i have given up on men...... well 4 a while ne way.... i cant stand liars cheats and dumb ass dudes that think they have game.... i been to that rodeo b4 ur not the 1st and u wont be the last guy to tell me the shit u say...... i pretend that i dont have a clue or that i care......im picky if i do sum10 4 u ur reaction and what u say tells me what i want to know..... i base everything off by the reaction u give me...... if i say hello and u say whats up wit it...... u werent listening hello comes with a hi or hello to as well...... see how that went... or if were eating and u pick up ur fork b4 me ugh i hate that........or if ur in the shower and leave hair in the sink........ damn matter of fact just pack an over night bag bc u wont leave a piece of paper at my spot.....

im picky so what

IMMMMMM SORRRRRY...................................

2009-08-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

This is a letter to him

Dear You,

i really dont know what to say to you anymore bc its like we have nu10 to talk about. how is it that we or u and i are suppose to get 2 know me but wont ask shit about me. that doesnt make a lick of sense. ur more concerned about what. what is it that u actually wanted from me and dont say pussy. bc thats so freakin lame im here ur there duh...... u know what im not even go to let u or ne1 like u affect me and my goal to tha top. I will see u in tha winners circle.

Like u sumx not all the time,
Danielle

How 2 Love a BLACK MAN

2009-08-05T02:04:00.000-07:00

Still reading this book im on the fence about it!!! i was excited at 1st but now after i mentioned it to my mom she was like why should u learn that when he should want 2 love you. hummmmm okay that makes sense doesnt it. well pick it up from BORDERS i hate Barnes and Nobel even thought thats where i got the book from lol.

If ur a man reading this what does it take to love a black man? or 4 that matter ne man (in my case a black man i love u guys 4 sum strange reason even though u do us as in black women wrong (we are suppose to be your better half whatever happen to that)

How men Change

2009-08-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

hey ya'll its been another minute huh GNR!!!!! This blog is really about him. if ur reading this which i know u will then its about u. Why did u up and change? everything was chill u was doing you i was doing me then u pull this 180 move. Im sorry but im not built this way to have people change their tune as much as you do. You said (take the ball and run with it) what the fuck when i said i wanted to you got up an left. Then i really noticed all the small stuff that you dont do which is cool but stop sending signals as if everything was cool and then its not. As much shit as i go through on a daily (watching my mom die infront of my face and i cant help her) this is the last shit i would expect from sum1 like u. But im glad that we havent talked talked bc it really does show what i alwayz thought of men in the first place but it takes men like you to really bring me back into reality. Thanx you so much and i quit the game. FYI im sure u know what that means so please dont call me unless u wanna be friends that just say hi and bye.

It aint easy likin me

2009-07-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just wanna say its not gonna be easy liking sum1 like me. I change my mind daily like i change my panties. I have an attitude thats pretty bad when im angry? an ive done things that only makes sense to me and no 1 else. so thats why it really wont be easy liking me. But i have friends that dig me and they know me like the back of their hands. they know at the end of the day that i would give them one of my eyes if they went blind..... or a kidney if that meant they needed to live. im that kinda friend buif you say one thing to upset ne of my friends i will be in your face so fast u swear i was the irs.

WHY.................

2009-07-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

sorry i been missing in action but this blog is dedicated to you. no you the reader but u who is the inspiration behind this blog entry. Im been avoiding you for a reason. It doesnt feel good to treat you like this at all matter of fact its makin my stomach hurt and my eyes water typing this. But i think that its for the best. why do you act one way one day then switch it up as if u dont know me from jack and Jill. its okay though bc i dig it like a shovel. I just think that if u were a dude or man as you so say then act like one. Dont treat me like im some second rate bitch u meet a club...... that im good one day but then next im not shit..... you do you and i will do me thanx for nu10 bye......

Boyfriend/Husband Application

2009-07-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Boyfriend/Husband Application

Name
Age
Living situation
Marital Status or are you dating or in a relationship now
Gender (they way you were born)
Are you currently employeed? How long?
Are you in school? If so what major
Do you have kids? If so how many? are they from the same women?
Have you ever been in a long committed relationship?
If so How long? Why did it end?
Have you cheated before? If so how many times?
Have you ever had gay tendencies?
How do you treat your mother?
Did your father have an active role in you growing up?
What are your hobbies?
Do you have goals that you are trying to reach?
Have you accomplished something from that goal list?
What do you do for fun?
Are you a drinker smoker drug user?
Can you hop on one foot rub your stomach and pat your head?
Are you into music?
Can you dance sing act play sports?
Are you mean cool or caring?
Have you cried infront of a girl before?
What makes you happy?
What makes you sad?
What gets on your nerves as far as girls are concerned?
what gets on your nerves period?
Do you have siblings?
Are you close wit your family?
Can you cook? if so can you clean up after yourself?
Do you keep a clean room or house apt?
Can you swim?
what extreme sports do you like?
do you play video games all the time?
Do you have a car?
Do you like blue bell ice cream?
Do you travel?
Are you currently ashy?
when was the last time you took a bath? not a shower
Why are you filling this out?
Do you wanna know about me?
Do you know where i stay?
Can you ride a bike?
Can you cut grass? take out trash
Do you think im cute or sexy?
Why havent we meet before?
Why arent you married yet or have kids if you dont have kids?
do you handle your money wisely?
Do you like kisses or hugs?
Add something that will make you stand out above everyone else?

These are just some of the things i require to know. I dont realy care if you went to jail as a young person everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Im just asking to to see if we would click.I didnt ask any sexual questions because i really dont care. Not to say that sex isnt important. its just that why base a relationship soley on sex. okay print save and email it to me mzhtx832@gmail.com or leave a comment at the bottom. i will read everyone of them.

Shaping behavior

2009-07-01T20:00:00.001-07:00

How do we as humans change the way we behave? Some studies suggest that through operant and observational conditioning we are able to reshape ourselves to behave in a way that we would like. Take for instance my four year old cousin Ranyia she needs to learn how to act more like a child and less like an adult.
Ranyia is constantly around adults while she is out of school. She mimics her behavior on what she sees and hears her mother and other adults say. Thus for, making her behavior that of a tiny adult. She was an only child until her mother gave birth to her younger sister which has made her behavior far worse than what it initially was.
With Ranyia I tried to use coloring books and crayons but that seemed to work only for a couple of minutes before she was right back to being in adult conversations. I also tried placing her in time out because I can’t bring myself to whoop a child that isn’t mine. The more I ignore her behavior the more she becomes intolerable.
For my first experiment I told her that if I had to say something to her about her behavior that I wouldn’t take her to the movies. As I watched her throughout the day she behaved like a regular child. All she kept repeating was that she was going to the movies or more so hanging out with me. The next day and days after that leading up until Friday her behavior was alright. When Friday came around she complete did a 180 and went back to acting out and being unruly. So I told her that we weren’t going to the movies and that she would have to try again next week. This resulted in her running to her mother crying about why she couldn’t go to the movies and that she wanted to go now. I pulled her over to the side and explained to her that because she decided to act up we weren’t going and that only good girls go to the movies.
The next day I woke up and she had packed my shoes in a bag and told me I didn’t stay there. She also stated that she would get my brother to take her to the pool because she didn’t get to go to the movies. I didn’t get mad or angry I sat her down again and explained that she wasn’t going anywhere and that she would stay in the room until her mother was ready to leave. She didn’t listen and ran around the house. I didn’t say anything the whole day to her. When she walked up to me asking for a hug I ignored her and pretended I didn’t even she her or hear her talking. I went back to my apartment for a couple of days and her mom was calling me for here wondering when I was coming back over. I explained that she acts up when im there so maybe when she doesn’t her me her behavior will change.
The next time I talked to her mother was a few days later she had told me that Ranyia wakes up everyday and calls her self cleaning up in hopes that I will come back. That’s when I knew that she wanted attention because the new baby was taking up her mother’s time. I realized that it also meant she needed to socialize with kids her own age.
I arranged for my brother and his girlfriend to pick her up and take her out to the local pool. Therefore she gets away from being around her mother when she has her attention on the baby and not on her. Also she can meet kids her own age and interact with them on her level. She also got rewarded for trying to clean up and act more like a child than an adult. To maintain her behavior I let her know that every time that she acted up that I would not come around and see her. That she wasn’t allowed to go anywhere unless it was with her mother. Soon after that she has been going to the pool and the movies because she wants the attention she was getting at first before the baby arrived.

Do what you gotta do

2009-07-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

“Do What You Gotta Do” is a song composed by male R&B group 112. When hearing this song it makes oneself feel about the situation men deal with they are in relationship outside their committed relationships. Men don’ initially fall for the other women to be mean or spiteful towards her it just certain situations happen.

I was always on the phone in the bathroom
You were always in the kitchen at the sink
Girl I was always tryna tell you
I’m having relations and its getting kinda deep
Now even though we been together for a long time
Girl you know and I know things are not the same
Before we go on any longer wasting all this time
I gotta let you know I’m bout to make a change I’m…

With this verse a person can tell that they were avoiding each other. Each person going their on separate way in the house. Pulling away from each other not wanting to be in the same room with one another is told tale signs or problems in a relationship.

You were always in the bedroom watchin’ TV
I was always downstairs on the couch
While you were always undecided on a movie
I was tryna get up out this house
And then I noticed how you always went to sleep
When it was
Time for you
To give that ass to me
And you wonder why a brotha wants to creep
Well its time to let you know I got someone who feels me

Couples that start to branch out and do things on there on tend to feel crowed in their relationships and just want me time. While the other is in love with them being neglected and having to do stuff on your own is never fun for anyone person. So when they branch out to someone that feels the same way they do that’s when the cheating comes into play. Sex also plays a big role in relationship as well. When one person wants to have sex and the other doesn’t. How do people say “I would like to have sex today” or “I really don’t feel up to it” without making the other person feel not wanted.

Sorry I lied to you
But im not sorry
That I fell deep
In love with her
So baby
Do what you gotta do

When the person that has been cheated on finds out what words can you possibly say to him/her? You have to tell them that you fell in love with the other person. You shouldn’t be sorry because that person pushed you away and really didn’t say what you did to them to treat you so cold and distant.

Something’s goin on
Something goin’ on where did we go wrong
What happen to the love I used to get at home
You be on my mind used to be my dime
Used to spend talkin’ on the phone
But now that things have changed
I’m jumping in my Range
And I’m rollin out

Things changed so much that the only thing left to do is leave. They use to treat you one way but switched the relationship up. The love is not there anymore.

i analyzed this tell me what ya think

Dream catcher

2009-06-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

According to Freud the reason we dream is to satisfy our own wishes but, what happens when we are dealt with a life threatening cancer. How do our sleep patterns and dreams change once we have something else to focus on? In this sit down interview with we find out first hand what happens when cancer is our main focus every night.

Q. Will you like to share with me the traumatic event that took place in your life recently?
A. Yes, in recent months I found out that I was diagnosed with 2 types of breast cancer.
Q. How did you feel when the doctor told you the news of the cancer?
A. I was in shock. It took awhile to get the results from what I initially thought was heartburn. My doctor planned a trip the week my results came in so it was a waiting game until she returned to town. I was thinking I’m way too young to have cancer. How could this happen to me. I’m a smoker so I was thinking it should have been lung cancer instead of breast. The first cancer was found in my right which had little signs of cancer. The second was found in my left breast which basically covered the whole breast.
Q. Has these cancers in anyway changed the pattern or rhythm of sleep?
A. Yes and No. I use to work a lot of hours 16 to 18 hours a day. Due to the fact that I had to be at work rather than sleep I usually went straight to sleep once I got home. Now that I have cancer it’s hard to sleep because I don’t work as much. I always had trouble sleeping so nothing has really changed except it’s harder to sleep now.
Q. Would you like to talk about your dreams?
A. Dreams in life or dream for future
Q. Dreams as far as sleep is concerned?
A. I rarely have dreams. I think people think they dream all the time. I’m frightful of snakes and when I dream of snakes something bad happens the next day or days later.
Q. Did you dream of snakes before you were diagnosis with cancer?
A. 2 cobras. 1 was dormant the other was striking in the air. The dormant snake died. The bad snake lived which I thought should have died.
Q. After being diagnosis with cancer how did your sleep patterns change?
A. Didn’t sleep well at al the first night all I could think about was cancer. Before I left my doctors office I asked for a sleeping pill because I knew I wasn’t going to sleep.
Q. How long did you rely on these sleep supplements to get you to sleep?
A. I’m still relying on them
Q. What date were you diagnosis with cancer?
A. May 7, 2009 for the first breast the second never got diagnosis they just took the breast while I was on the table.
Q. You’ve been using prescription drugs for almost two months now is that correct?
Yes
Q. Does this prescription cause hallucination?
No, just drowsiness I asked for ambien but she gave me adabant for anxiety it causes me to sleep anyway.
Q. Do you know what insomnia is?
Yes, I do
Q. After having the surgery and the removal of both your breast did you suffer from insomnia?
A. No, because they kept me drugged up in the hospital. When I was released to go home they gave more adabant.
Q. Does Adabant cause you not to dream?
A. No
Q. What kind of dreams were you having after the surgery?
A. Since the surgery I haven’t had any dreams
Q. Have you talked to your doctor about this?
A. I didn’t know it wasn’t common not to have dreams
Q. Have you had a Night Terror?
A. Yeah I had a dream I was in bed with the president. I was the nanny. That’s one dream that won’t come true
Q. Freud says people dream to satisfy their own wishes. Do you wish to be with President Obama or someone with that kind of power?
A. Of course I don’t have to work as hard
Q. Since you been on these prescriptions for almost two months is it safe to say you have a habit?
A. Well yeah before those I was hooked on Tylenol pm. Well no because I can always go back to Tylenol pm. So yes and no. Tylenol is an OTC (over the counter drug) where Adabant is prescribed.
Q. Why were you hooked on Tylenol?
A. Because when I was working after 18 hours, I had trouble sleeping
Q. Have you developed a tolerance for Tylenol or Adabant?
A. Yes because it took to many Tylenol to get to sleep. That’s why I got Adabant. To be honest I wanted to get off the Tylenol
Q. So you’re an Addict?
A. Yes if you want to call it that. No matter where I am at I will need help to sleep. I think im a controlled addict
Q. Are you secretly running from or trying to avoid life since being diagnosis with cancer?
A. I think I’m secretly doing a lot of thing. I have two types of cancer and I been told that there might be a possibility I might have a third cancer running thru my bones.
Q. Will this third cancer enhance your addiction to prescription or OTC drugs?
A. The third cancer will kill me. So when you’re faced with that you feel depressed. I was okay with the right and left breast having cancer. A lot has changed for me. When I get up in the morning its work work. I take the pill before I shower it allows me to wash away my worries and cry. I can’t even move my arms right. I plan on keeping my addiction because it helps me cope. No one would like me if I wasn’t hyped on drugs
Q. In your last statement you said, “Worried about not being liked”, is that why you are using drugs
A. No that’s for sure. I would be ugly to people for no reason, just because I have a lot of stress with cancer and dying on my mind
Q. Do you think taking drugs or dependants is affecting your family?
A. No, because I take it at night so they should be sleep. I have no little kids and I have no one dependant on me for care at home. All my kids are grown and not living with me.
Q. Do they have a clue as to what you are taking?
A. Yes my daughter picks up my prescriptions when I order refills
Q.Your taking these OTC and prescriptions do you think you can die from an overdose?
A. you can die from an overdose on anything even OTC’s. Im very aware of what I’m taking and how to take them. (CNA) That wouldn’t be overdose that would be suicide
Q. Are you suicidal?
A. No but I would if I lost all my motor skills
Q.When you start chemo and couldn’t take the pain would you kill your self then?
A. No, it’s a once a month thing. The scary thing is radiation
Q. Would you kill your self after radiation?
A. No….. If the time comes I would like a DNR (do not resiate) because of bills and stress on my body (laughs)
Q. Is this funny?
A. no it’s not far from being funny. In my situation its okay to laugh
Q. Cancer is stressful for your mind, body, and spirit. If your doctor gave you good news would you stop using drugs or these dependants?
A. Well no because one doesn’t have to do with the other. If I went back to work I would still have trouble sleeping.
Q. Is your sleeping pattern caused by you not doing anything social?
A. there is nothing out in society that interests me. I like to travel when I have money. But I’m not working bills still need to be paid. Things around the house are dependant on me to pay them. So all I really have is I to pay them.
Q. I understand that but what about a hobby, children, and grandchildren to keep you company?
A. Nerves to bad for that don’t really like a lot of noise. I read books occasionally.
Q. If money wasn’t an issue would you still be hooked on sleep aides?
A. yes, rich or poor I would find away to get Tylenol pm. Well maybe maybe not. When you’re rich you make your own schedule
Q. Are you just not happy?
A. Well at this time in my life no. I’m not happy who would be when they are faced with cancer. I don’t have bone cancer that would be a blessing. I can deal with breast cancer.
Q. Has cancer ruined your sec life?
A. Yes because I don’t have the need for sex. I do have a date book that I can always use if the urge ever comes up. Yeah I have men that wouldn’t mind giving me help in that department
Q. Do you think your faith in God has changed?
A. No drugs or illness will ever take away my faith in him. (God) But I do ask myself why me why now…. Earlier you said dreams. Now I’m thinking and wishing instead of dreaming to get better. Should be better.
Q. What are your Hopes now that life has dealt you this hand?
A. Don’t have many now I just hope to get better. After being sawed and butchered on I try to look on the bright side. I can have breast replacement even though I don’t want to have anymore surgery. No hair no breasts I would look like a tranny. I don’t want to get confused with being gay. Because there’re gay bashers can be really mean.

The interview ended right there because the sleep aids that takes were starting to take there effect on her. From this interview we see that not all people dream as some of these researchers once thought. When dealt with life altering problems we as human turn to drugs or prescriptions as a way of coping with the pain or trying to escape the fears we have of dying. is not just some random women that I happen to stumble upon she is my mother. This was really one other the toughest assignments I had at C.O.M. because it made me face what I didn’t want to face. It makes me realize what I don’t really want to see or hear especially coming from my mother.

the day the world cried

2009-06-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

June 25, 2009 we lot an ICON a LEGAND sum1 that we will probably never see in this lifetime. well i will never see Michael Joseph Jackson he was 50 years old. I was in the movies complaining about my lil cousin. While millions of people were watching and waiting to see the out come of this nightmare come to an end. I feel that life is to short. We dont say the things that we want to say or do the things that we want to do. Also on this date Farrah Fawset died of cancer. She was the first shout out i gave on twitter that morning believe it our not she was an ICON made having a hard nipple acceptable in a photograph. Michael changed music made people want to be like him. Peoople will try to imitate im duplicate him it wont happen he is a genuis a real genuis. He brought people together with his music...... A president or a prince cant even do that.He will forever be our KING our prince of music........ wemiss ya mike i just wish i still had my beat it jacket we loved those things lol every child tried what you did. i still do my air hump dance i love that dance i wish icould kiss this screen bc thats how i feel i justr wanna kiss ya goodbye but its not goodbye i willo see ya soon.

Farrah fawset and her cancer battle that ended on a sad note reminds me of my mothers battle. I f all i have is a few years left with my momm i will make the most of it. 2 types of cancers are nu10 to play with. I will cherish everyday like it is her lastg and make sure she knows that i love her. damnnn this is starting to get to emotional breeak bye.'........................... and fuck my spelling i tried

im tryin 2 retire the NIKES

2009-06-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

while tweeting yesterday i realized something about me that i want to share. I don't know if you guys remember me saying that mom mother has cancer. Well when i was talking to her the other day she basically said, " i don't think your strong enough to be on your own". when she said this i just laughed it off as if she didn't know what she was talking about. Also i really started paying more attention in my psychology class and my behavior is really unusual. (nu10) CRAZY LOL.... I mean i realized before hand that i wasn't strong but being hit with it and dealing with it was sum10 i really wasn't and I'm not trying to deal with. I don't know why I'm not strong i don't know why I put out walls that i know others wont scale even with a rope or ladder. letting someone see me doesnt appeal to me very. Dwight Howard wanted to know if you had a super power what would you have. My first thought was Flash because i would be able to run when i wanted to escape. But then i changed it bc i didnt want people to know that i was runnning. I always have a plan for a plan is that weird. If im going somewhere i plan all the escape routes. come up with clever excuses on how to dip out. lol i know what im running from but i wish not to share but maybe its time to stop from running from the problems and come up with solutions. such as conditioning myself to be stronger i always said if sum10 happen to my mother i would lose it. But i dont wanna lose it i wanna win. survive this dent in my road life gave me. They say god doesnt put you through sum10 you cant handle but i use to think that wasnt true by my actiions.... but im starting to trust my heart more and the real me wants to be seen and the shoes will hang out on the line.....

Seeing through the screen

2009-06-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

this blog today makes me wonder what lies beneath the surface. Alot of people say alot of things but how do tell whats true from whats fake. How do we trust a person and allow them to trust you back. I dont trust nobody and i dont expect them to trust me back until they prove to me that they are who excpeted them to be a liar...I know that some lies are said to protect peoples feelings. I understand that but little lies like oh im going to the baseball game but ur bowling a lie really not meant to be said. if your in your heart you feel as if you have to lie to them so that they will like you better then they are not the ones for you. I never meet a guy that i havent lied to but i never meet a guy that made me want to open up except one time. his lies cost the best relationship i ever had. He will and alwayz be the one that got a away in my opinion.

Can I have You

2009-06-18T08:02:00.001-07:00

This guy we will call XXX has been on my mind since the first time i saw him. He reminds me of the type of guy i would want 2 marry and have babies wit (deep huh). I never really thought about kids til i really started talking to him and getting to know him. I know im not special but i think he is..(yuk im sounding like poetry) but its true. Sum10 about him makes me think i should see where this could go but another piece of me is afraid of failure. My fear is being alone. not being wanted is another personal fear of mine.... I dont know why i seem out going enough but when im alone i feel lonely..(said huh) so i get bored or get into trouble lol... I wouldnt treat ne dude that i felt had gr8 potential like NEW BOOTY. lol yeah i think im ready to take that step into the world of one on one dating and getting into a relationship.... i real relationship nu10 based on games or sex/fucking but actual feelings... I feel that XXX is a good candidate among other guys i met while out an about. so we will see I have no courage to ask him but i will.... when i surprise him this summer or maybe a surprise shouldnt be i should call first yeah call first lol

to hate sex

2009-06-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

comin from me you would think that she is a freak and freaks just dont wanna have sex.... well im not counting out the physical parts but sex and fucking is starting to get very boring 2 me... I have been known to pick up my phone and talk plus text b im just that bored.... Im not giving up on doing it but im sorry to say this but i really wanna absolutly make LOVE (ahhhhhh no not that) yes my body is telling me that its going to be the best feeling in tha world. the only problem is i cant fall in LOVE (there's that word again) Everytime i think about my self in bed i feel like im making LOVE to this figure i cant see his face but he is making me feel so good. Then when i thinkin about fuckin or sex im sleepy lol...... Somebody has been putting this mumbo jumbo in my head that LOVE is the best feeling in the world.... I wanna go back 2 fucking and having sex but i cant bc i know that i will no be satisfied... So you guys with your damn opinions keep nthem to yourself you fucked my head up really bad.... I only had sex 2 3/4 times this year im not enjoying it til i fall in LOVE (damn you) damn the word love bc maybe sum10 is wrong wit me thats why i cant love him the way i want 2............... i hate sex i hate fucking I JUST WANNA LOVE YOU (damn my playa days are over i see it) I just wish i knew who this mystery body is bc im READY 4 real lol

My LUV

2009-06-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of telling men that i luv them. Same on me i know but if u see i how i spell it u will know that thats the kinda luv im talking about. Luv for me is hey how u doing whats up thats it. Dont take what i say serious unless we HAVE THE TALK and the talk aint happenin especially if you dont make me a believer in what u say. I take ur word til u prove me wrong and ur action will do that more than what you say. so i luv ya

Love...............140 characters or less

2009-05-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

Myspace,Facebook, Twitter are becoming fast and even easier ways to hook up (free fuck) with ppl fast just like a text messages. quick and easy... So why are more people looking for easy quick love rather than hard love. Im not going to sit here and down talk any man or women bc i have done it (dont look so shocked)who hasnt its fun for me like a challenge just to see how far a man wil lgo for sum pussy. I go the distance for a good size dick myself (keep reading it gets better i promise).... is doing things fast easier... look at the economy we took the easy way out... havin machines take he way of hard labor.. so why cant we use SMS to get laid or prehaps find love..... I will keep u updated on SMS vs the real deal pounding the pavement at libraries, bars, clubs, and churches just to see where i can love

silly boy

2009-05-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Bottom of the night 2 you all..... as u can see this will be my first blog so be patient as i get into swing of things lol....today i had the pleasure of running into a boy because he was far from a man. Why is that when you ask a man to clarify the meaning of sum10 he says he gets on the defensive side? come on if you say sum10 be about it. A person is as is good as his word so why get mad at my question. so i tested his control and he all but threatened to kick my ass. Which brings me to this... Why is it when a man gets mad he wants to raise his voice or hands at a female? Your a man be that don't belittle your self to sum common riffraff type of person. All i can do is laugh at this dude but atleast he had the since 2 unfollow me on twitter. A real man needs no threaten a female to prove his point. Silly rabbit tricks are for kids............